This is part of our comprehensive guide: The Complete Guide to High-Conflict Co-Parenting
The BIFF method was created by Bill Eddy at the High Conflict Institute, and it has become one of the most recommended communication frameworks in family law. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.
The concept is simple. The execution, when your co-parent has just sent you something infuriating, is not. This article gives you real examples you can adapt and use today.
What BIFF Actually Means
B
Brief
Keep it short. Two to five sentences. Long messages give the other person ammunition to escalate.
I
Informative
Stick to objective facts. Dates, times, logistics. No opinions, no interpretations, no diagnoses of their behavior.
F
Friendly
Not warm and fuzzy. Just not hostile. A "Thank you" or "I appreciate you letting me know" goes a long way in front of a judge.
F
Firm
End the conversation. Do not leave an opening for debate. State what will happen and stop. No "What do you think?" at the end.
BIFF Responses for Common Custody Situations
Below are real scenarios co-parents face, with both the typical reactive response and the BIFF version. Use the Response Scripts tool to generate more for your specific situation.
Scenario 1
Late pickup with no notice
"I'll be there when I get there. Stop texting me."
Reactive response
"This is the fourth time this month you've been late. The kids have been sitting by the door for 45 minutes. I'm going to bring this up with my lawyer."
BIFF response
"Thanks for the update. Our agreement says pickup is at 6 PM. The kids will be ready. Please let me know if you need to adjust pickup times going forward."
Scenario 2
Personal attack disguised as parenting concern
"Maybe if you spent less time on your phone and more time parenting, the kids wouldn't be struggling in school."
Reactive response
"Are you serious? I'm the one who helps with homework every night while you let them watch TV until midnight at your house."
BIFF response
"I appreciate you raising school performance. I spoke with their teacher on Tuesday and we have a plan for extra reading support. Happy to share the details if you'd like."
Scenario 3
Demanding a schedule change last minute
"I need the kids this weekend instead. My parents are in town and they want to see them. Don't be difficult about this."
Reactive response
"Absolutely not. It's my weekend and I already have plans with them. You can't just change things whenever it's convenient for you."
BIFF response
"Thanks for letting me know your parents are visiting. This weekend is my scheduled time, so I won't be able to swap. If you'd like to propose a makeup day for them to see the kids during your time, I'm open to discussing that."
Scenario 4
Accusations about your new partner
"I don't want that person around my kids. Who knows what kind of influence they're having."
Reactive response
"You don't get to control who I see. And maybe worry about your own choices before you judge mine."
BIFF response
"I hear your concern. The kids are safe and well cared for during my parenting time. If you have a specific safety concern, please share the details so I can address it."
Scenario 5
Money dispute
"You need to pay half of the soccer registration. I already signed them up. Send me $300."
Reactive response
"You signed them up without asking me first and now you expect me to pay? That's not how this works."
BIFF response
"Thank you for letting me know about soccer registration. Our agreement requires both parents to agree on extracurricular expenses beforehand. I'm happy to discuss this for next season if we can plan it together."
When Not to Respond at All
BIFF is powerful, but sometimes the best response is no response. You do not owe a reply when:
- 1
The message is a personal attack with no actionable request.
- 2
You have already addressed the topic and they are rehashing it.
- 3
The message is clearly designed to provoke a reaction, not to communicate about the children.
- 4
It is a long, emotional rant. Silence is a complete sentence.
The documentation angle
Even when you do not respond, screenshot and save the message. A pattern of unanswered provocative messages tells a judge exactly who is creating conflict and who is refusing to engage with it. Your silence is its own evidence.
The BIFF Checklist
Before you send any message to your co-parent, run it through these four questions:
-
Is it brief? Can I say this in fewer words? If it is more than 5 sentences, it is too long.
-
Is it informative? Am I stating facts or expressing emotions? Remove anything that starts with "I feel" or "You always."
-
Is it friendly? Would a stranger reading this think I am a reasonable person? Is there at least one neutral or positive phrase?
-
Is it firm? Does this end the conversation or invite more back-and-forth? Remove any questions unless you genuinely need an answer.
Build Your BIFF Habit
BIFF gets easier with practice. The first few times, it will feel unnatural. You will want to defend yourself, explain your side, or fire back. That urge is normal. It is also exactly what high-conflict communicators are counting on.
Use the Response Scripts tool to practice generating BIFF responses for your specific situations. Run them through the Tone Checker before sending. Over time, this becomes second nature.
Every clean message you send is another piece of evidence that you are the reasonable, child-focused parent. That adds up.
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